[Season 9 Episode 24]
Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
Directed by: Kevin S. Bright
Transcribed by: Andreina, Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa
Further revisions and extended DVD content added (in blue) by Darcy Partridge.
Chandler: Oh, isn't this nice? It's so quiet. I could just lie here all day.
Monica: I know. (she snuggles to him)
Rachel: (walking in hurriedly) Open your drapes! Open your drapes!
Chandler: I'm so glad we've got adjoining rooms!
(Rachel opens the drapes)
Monica: The sun is out!
Chandler: Hey! Remember when I had corneas?
Monica: Okay, listen, you go down to the pool and reserve the chairs...
Rachel: Okay!
Monica: ...and I'll get the magazines and the lotion.
Chandler: Uh, ladies? Ross's speech is in 45 minutes.
Rachel: Nooo!
Monica: Damn it!
Ross: (through the wall) Walls are pretty thin, guys!
Ross: Then we have to weight the data from recent MRI scans and DNA testing, which call into question information gathered from years of simple carbon dating.
Rachel: Look at that woman sitting by the pool getting tan. She's all leathery and wrinkled. I'm so jealous!
Ross: Finally, factor in the profusion of new species recently discovered: Giganotosaurus. Argentinasaurus.
Chandler: (to a man sitting next to him) Not to mention the Coldsaurus.
(the man glares at Chandler)
Ross: And that's just the herbivores. I'm not even gonna discuss the carnivores. Their heads are already too big. Which is ironic considering their stunted cerebral development.
(all the paleontologists laugh)
Chandler: (to the man sitting next to him) Really?
Ross: But all kidding aside, in much the same way that Homo ergaster is now thought to be a separate species from Homo erectus...
(Joey laughs)
Charlie: What?
Joey: He said, "erectus"!
Charlie: You're-- you're kidding, right?
Joey: No, he really said it!
Ross: ...and while there are certainly vast differences between these Mesozoic fossiles and the example of Homo erectus...
(Rachel laughs)
Joey: Erectus?
Rachel: (Shakes her head) Homo.
Ross: (concluding his speech)...in a very real way we can bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century. Thank you!
(Everybody stands up and applauds. His friends and others come congratulate him)
Ross: Oh, thanks guys!
Jarvis: (shaking hands with Ross) I thought it was wonderful!
Ross: Oh!
Jarvis: Jarvis Oberblau. Cornell. I mean, the ideas you put forth, and-and from someone so young and (sighs and admires Ross).
Ross: (Awkward but attempting politeness) Okay, n-now we're just holding hands! (pulls his hand away)
Rachel: All right! Well, um, we're gonna hit the beach.
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: That was really great!
Ross: Oh, thank you so much!
Joey: Yeah, and so funny!
Rachel: (in agreement) Ah!
(Rachel, Joey and Chandler pat him on his shoulders and walk off, together with Monica)
Joey: Take it easy.
Ross: Okay! All right, thanks! Thanks so much, you guys! (to Phoebe) Oh, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you were here!
Mike: (popping by, smiling) Are you kidding? We wouldn't have missed it!
(Ross is dumbfounded to see Mike instead of David)
Mike: Oh. I'm back.
Ross: Okay. Um, well, excuse me? Yeah?
Phoebe & Mike: Yeah! (they leave)
(Ross goes towards Charlie, who's conversing with a fellow paleontologist, and touches her shoulder to get her attention)
Ross: Hey! (she turns to him) Well? (in expectation)
Charlie: You were incredible!
Ross: Yeah?
Charlie: You blew them away!
Ross: Oh, I can't tell you how great it was to look at the crowd and see your face! I mean, uh, did you know you were mouthing the words along with me?
Charlie: (smiling broadly) I was not!
Ross: No, it's okay! Made me feel like-- like a rock star!
Charlie: Oh, my God! I'm your groupie!
Ross: (joking) Yeah? Hey, I'd better not found you naked in my hotel room!
(Ross giggles, but Charlie is taken aback.)
Ross: Look, I took it too far!
(Rachel and Monica walk up)Ross: Hey! Hey, you guys, I thought you were going to the beach!
Rachel: It's raining again.
Ross: What? Would you look at that? The only time the sun comes out the whole weekend is the one hour I'm giving my speech. Someone up there likes me! (Sees Rachel and Monica glaring at him.) But people down here are pissed.
Monica: (her hair even bigger then before) I can't believe it's raining again! It's so unfair!
(They approach the buffet, where a couple of paleontologists are sipping their drinks)
Phoebe: Well, on the bright side, now we won't have to see all these paleontologists with their shirts off. (Grabs a drink and notices that the two men are upset) Not you guys. You got it going on!
(Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk away, sipping their drinks)
Monica: So, what are we gonna do today?
Mike: They have a game room downstairs! I think they have, like, Ping-Pong and stuff.
Monica: (pleasantly surprised) Ping-Pong? (to Chandler) Honey, they have Ping-Pong! Let's play!
Chandler: I don't think so!
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because you know how competitive you get. And while I say it's cute, others disagree, and I'm lying!
Monica: I'm not always that bad!
Chandler: Oh, yeah? What happened when we played last time?
Monica: I punched you.
Chandler: And?
Monica: Phoebe.
Phoebe: And?
Monica: I clunked your heads together.
(Joey is sitting in an armchair and wearing a diving mask. He pulls out a grape from a bunch of grapes on the coffee table, puts it on the snorkel's breathing tube and blows it out, then giggles to himself)
Charlie: (walking in) Hey! There you are!
Joey: Hey! Listen. As soon as it stops raining we have got to go snorkeling! This, uh-- Some kid told me about this sea turtle. And if you blow bubbles in its face, he chases ya! (smiles excitedly)
Charlie: I'm sorry, I can't. I'm running a discussion group all afternoon.
Joey: (disappointed) Oh. Oh, well-well that's okay. I-I'll find someone else to do it. I'd do it alone, but, uh, I don't-- I don't know what happens if the sea turtle catches you.
Charlie: You know, I feel so bad! I haven't seen you this whole trip. And especially last night...
Joey: Oh, hey, don't worry about it. It was fine. I ended up having the best time with Rachel! I just felt bad for you, stuck in that room. Working on Ross's speech.
Charlie: Actually, it turned out to be a lot of fun!
Joey: Oh! Oh, well, at least we're both having fun, right?
Charlie: Yeah. Is it weird that it's not with each other?
Joey: Yeah! A little bit, yeah.
Charlie: (sitting down on the bed) I think we need to talk.
Joey: Yeah. I think we do. About what?
Monica: Come on, you guys! It'll be fun!
Phoebe: All right, all right. I'll play if we don't keep score.
Monica: Well, then how do we know who wins?
Phoebe: Nobody wins!
Monica: So we're just four losers. Super.
Chandler: Well, I'm not playing with her.
Phoebe: Yeah. I'm out.
Mike: I'll play you.
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: Mike, no, you don't-- you don't know what you're doing.
Chandler: She gets crazy! This scar (points to his forehead) is from Pictionary!
(Monica rolls her eyes)
Mike: I think I'll be all right! (to Monica) You want to volley a bit for a serve?
Monica: Sure, if you want to.
(Monica and Mike start to play Ping-Pong. Mike scores)
Monica: Oh!
Mike: Oh, by the way, um, I'm awesome!
Chandler: Oh, dear God, there's two of them.
Mike: You ready to play?
Monica: Hell, yeah!
Chandler: (to Phoebe) Did you know this about him?
Phoebe: No idea. I-I though he was soft like you.
Mike: You want to make it more interesting?
Monica: How much were you thinking?
Mike: Ten bucks a game?
Monica: Make it fifty!
Mike: I'll make it a hundred!
Monica: (nearly shouting) One thousand...
Chandler: (interrupting her) Okay!
Mike: Well flip to see who goes first. You got a quarter?
Monica: No. (to Chandler and Phoebe) Either of you girls got a quarter?
Chandler: Honey, try to focus the trash talk on him.
Phoebe: (picks up a coin from her bra) Monica, you call it.
Monica: Heads! No, Tails! H-heads!
Phoebe: Tails!
Monica: (angry) Oh, what are the chances!
(They start playing again)
Monica: Ha! My point!
Mike: Oh, no, I don't think so. You know, according to standard table tennis rules: If at any time a player uses his nonracket-bearing hand to touch the playing surface, he or she forfeits the point.
Phoebe: (smiling proudly) He was a lawyer!
Alexandra Steele: (meteorologist) (pointing to the East Coast) All of the east coast is having beautiful weather. In New York it's 72 and sunny!
Rachel: Oh! Weather bitch! (turns the TV off)
(Someone knocks on the door)
Rachel: It's open! (Joey walks in) Hi, Joe!
Joey: (downhearted) Hey.
Rachel: What? Is everything okay?
Joey: Uh, Charlie and I broke up.
Rachel: No! Why?
Joey: Oh, well, she said we have nothing in common.
Rachel: (scoffs) That's crazy!
Joey: No, it's not. We have nothing in common.
Rachel: Yeah, that's true.
Joey: I mean, she should be with someone more like Ross. You know, I mean he uses all those big words, too! Man, smart people are dull!
Rachel: (offended) Well, hey!
Joey: (laughing) Okay, Rach! It's just-- I feel so stupid, you know? Why-- why do I keep going after the wrong girls?
Rachel: Well, what are you-- what are you talking about?
Joey: Oh, come on. I mean, there's you, then there's Charlie, and it's like...(sighs) What the hell's my problem? I just-- ugh.(He falls back on the bed)
Rachel: Okay, um, maybe you're not always going after the wrong girl.
Joey: (sitting up again) I'm telling you, Rach, Charlie is not right for me!
Rachel: Yeah, I'm not talking about her.
Joey: Well, then, who? The waitress I went out with last month? (gives her a doubtful look)
Rachel: You know what? Forget it!
Joey: (stands up) No-no-no-no! Who-- who are you talking about?
Rachel: No, I-I-I-I don't, I actually don't know who I'm talking about! So...
Joey: Okay. Uh, all right, well, I'm gonna go see if I can get a room for the night. And I'll-- I'll see you later!
Rachel: Yeah, sure!
(Joey walks out, while Rachel is pensive. Once he's out of her room, he suddenly realizes who she was talking about and goes back in. He looks at her in disbelief and she looks like she was caught red-handed)
Joey: You like me? (shuts the door)Rachel: (nearly whispering) Okay, let's not make a big thing about this!
Joey: (shocked) It's a huge thing!
Rachel: Okay, not working with me, Joe! Here's the thing. Lately, I have been having thoughts. Musings, if you will.
Joey: Well, for how long?
Rachel: Only like a month!
Joey: A month!?
Rachel: Well, just dial it down! (Joey goes to sit on the bed) Listen, okay, and-and maybe they're crazy thoughts. But sometimes I do-- I have been thinking about, you know, us! (looks at Joey, who's speechless) Okay, dial it up a little!
Joey: (stands up) No, you're right. Okay. I just have one question!
Rachel: Shoot!
Joey: What the hell are you doin'!?
Rachel: I'm not-- I'm not trying to do anything. It's just, we have such a good time when we're together, you know? And I mean, aren't you just a little curious what that would be like?
Joey: Uh, am I curious? I mean, I am as curious as, as, George!
Rachel: Who?
Joey: Curious George! You know, the monkey, and the guy with the yellow hat!
Rachel: Yes, of course, I remember him.
Joey: Yeah, he had a paper route.
Rachel: Yeah, he did! (smiling) Oh, see, this is what I'm talking about!
Joey: No, I know. Yeah, I know, we're great! But, Rachel, this-- this can't happen!
Rachel: But can't it just happen a little bit?
Joey: (charmed, but then recoiling) No! No! It can't happen at all!
Rachel: Why? Why not?
Joey: Because, look, no one wants this to happen more than me, okay? I have gone over this moment in my head a hundred times and not once did I ever say no. It's... (sighs) I couldn't do it to Ross!
Rachel: But that wasn't gonna stop you before!
Joey: I know, I know! But I've thought about it a lot since then, and it just wouldn't be right. I'm sorry.
Rachel: I'm sorry, too. (they look at each other sadly, then she recollects, and puts her hands over her eyes) Oh, God! I shouldn't have said anything!
Joey: No, no! No-no-no-no-no-no! Hey! Hey, we'll be fine! Like-- Hey, like you said, it's no big deal!
Rachel: It's not a big deal!
Joey: No big deal.
Rachel: It's so not a big deal!
Joey: Yeah! I'll see ya later! Yeah!
Rachel: Ok!
(They shake hands, he walks out and shuts the door, then seems to change his mind, moves to open the door, than changes his mind again and leans onto the door. Just then, Rachel opens the door)
Rachel: Okay-- Aaagh!
(Joey falls backwards into the room)
(Joey hurriedly stands up, gives her an embarrassed look and walks away)
Monica: Oh! I'm sorry! I think, I THINK, that may have missed the table!
Mike: Do you?
Monica: Uh, yeah!
Mike: Do you?
Monica: Uh, yeah!
Mike: DO YOU?
Monica: UH, YEAH!
Chandler: (to Phoebe) Do you really find this attractive on him?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Are you telling me you-- you're not even a little turned on by Monica right now?
(Chandler turns to look at Monica, who has the biggest hair ever, is flushed and in a sweat, and is sniffing her armpits)
Chandler: I think this is the first time in our marriage that I've felt like the more attractive one.
Phoebe: Alright, come on, Mike! You can beat her! Knock that dog off her head!
(Mike scores)
Monica: Oh, damn it!
Phoebe: (pointing at Mike and shouting) I sleep with him!
Mike: Game point!
Monica: (threatening) Don't get too cocky! Remember, I won the last one! Oh, by the way, how did that feel, losing to a girl?
Mike: You know, you should really look in a mirror before you call yourself that.
(they continue to play Ping-Pong and then Mike scores, winning the game)
Monica: No! No! No!
Mike: And that's how it's done! (Phoebe kisses him)
Chandler: Okie-dokie, you've each won a game and I've lost what's felt like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner.
Monica: Best out of three?
Mike: That's what I'm thinking.
Chandler: Should I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil?
Monica: (to Mike) Serve the ball, chump!
Mike: (in a mocking tone): Serve the ball, chump.
Phoebe: Okay, better come backs, Mike! Better come backs!
(A new game begins. During volleys, Monica lunges to her left)Monica: I got it! (But knocks over Chandler in the process. Play continues.)
Chandler: I'm fine, by the way!
Mr. Oberblau: I'm just saying, I have a cabin in the Adirondacks and if you ever want to get away from the city, well, that'd be just nifty!
Ross: Ooh! Well, um, I've kinda got a lot on my plate right now. Not that I wouldn't love a weekend in the country with a strange man. (Mr. Oberblau giggles)
Woman: Jarvis?
Mr. Oberblau: (seeing her) Oh, you're back. (to Ross) This is my wife, Nancy.
Ross: What? Get Out!
(Charlie walks by)
Charlie: Ross, can I talk to you for a minute?
Ross: Yes, please! (they move away from the Oberblaus) Is he still looking at me?
Charlie: Yes.
(A moment passes)
Ross: Still?
Charlie: Yes. And his wife's kind of looking at me.
Ross: Um, So, what's-- what's going on?
Charlie: Um, well, Joey and I broke up.
Ross: Oh, my God. Wh-what happened?
Charlie: Joey is a great guy, but we're just-- we're so different! I mean, like during your speech, he kept laughing at "Homo erectus."
Ross: I knew that was him!
Charlie: Anyway, I just, um, I think it's for the best.
Ross: (holding her hand) Hey. Hey, you okay?
Charlie: I guess. There was, um... (she sighs) there was another reason that I thought it was time to end it with Joey. I started to realize that I was having feelings for someone else.
(some paleontologists interrupt them)
Paleontologist: (merrily) Okay, Geller. Last day of the conference! You know what happens to the keynote speaker.
Ross: Uh, Professor Klarik, we're kind of in the middle of a conversation here.
Charlie: Yeah, can't you guys just throw him in the pool later?
Professore Clerk: Or we could throw you both in now.
Ross: (standing) Okay, gentlemen, please! Aren't we a little old for this? I mean, we're scientists, alright? We're academics. And most importantly, uh, you-you will have to catch us first. (he starts to run away with Charlie). Go! Go! Go!
(the paleontologists start chasing them)
(Chandler and Phoebe look bored to death. Monica scores and laughs)
Mike: Okay, so it's tied again, 41 to 41.
Chandler: (exhausted) Okay, look! Enough is enough!
Monica: No. I have-- just have two more points to beat him!
Chandler: Monica, that was also true an hour ago! I mean, please, look at you! Your hand is blistered. You can barely stand. Your hair is inexplicable! Pheebs, take to Mike. Help me out.
Phoebe: Mike, you win this, you will get the best sex you've ever had in your whole life.
Chandler: I say to fight crime.
(Ross and Charlie come running in and hide. The other paleontologists run up, look around, and leave. Ross and Charlie come out of hiding and start to head off.)
Ross: You didn't see us! (Notices Monica's state and hair) Monica?
Chandler: Alright, look, I'm begging you. Okay, you've already proven you are just as good as he is. Now we've missed our dinner reservations, so now let's just go upstairs, order room service, take a shower and shave your head!
Monica: I can't just walk away! I-I've put in four hours!
Chandler: But--
Monica: Look! You knew this about me when you married me! You agreed to take me in sickness and in health. Well, this is my sickness!
Chandler: What about the obsessive cleaning?
Monica: That's just good sense!
(they start playing again; suddenly Monica hits the table with her hand)
Monica: Ow! (she holds her hand, whimpering in pain.)
Chandler: You okay?
Monica: No, no, no. Honey, I'm ok. Shake it off! (she shakes the wrist and it's more painful) Oh, no! No shaking, no shaking! Ooh! Ooh! Oh, my God. I can't play.
Mike: So you forfeit?
Phoebe: Mike wins?
Monica: I can't believe it. I lost!
Chandler: No, you didn't.
Monica: What?
Chandler: Because I'm gonna play for you.
Phoebe: You can't do that!
Mike: Ah, that's okay. I don't care which of them I beat.
Phoebe: Okay, we're taking that paddle home, mister.
Monica: (to Chandler) Honey, you don't have to do this.
Chandler: (In a loving voice) Yes, I do. Now, I may not understand why you have to win so badly. But if it's important to you then it's important to me. Because I love you.
Monica: But you suck.
Chandler: (Still in a loving voice) You're welcome, sweetheart. All right, Mike, let's get this over with. Sudden death. Whoever wins this point, wins.
Mike: Okay.
(They start playing and Chandler does not suck at all)
Monica: Oh, my God! You're good!
Phoebe: It's like watching porn!
(Chandler scores and wins the match)
Chandler: And that's how it's done!
Monica: (to Chandler) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That was so amazing! Well, when did you--? Hold on, I almost forgot. (she turns to Mike) Loser! (back to Chandler) When did you stop sucking?
Chandler: I never sucked. I just didn't want you to know how good I was!
Monica: Why?
Chandler: I don't know.
Monica: This is so great! Now we can enter into doubles tournaments!
Chandler: That's why!
Charlie: Thanks. Are they still looking for us?
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, the bartender said they, uh, they split up into two search parties. The herbivores and the carnivores. You know, we as a group are not the coolest.
(Three paleontologists walk by and Ross hugs Charlie trying not to be seen)
Ross: I don't think they saw us.
Charlie: I don't think they did.
Ross: You know, for a bunch of researchers, they sure don't look very carefully.
(They realize that they are hugging closely and Ross draws back)
Charlie: Um, so, I started to tell you something earlier. Um, there-- there was another reason that I realized it was time to end it with Joey. I, um, I kind of realized I was starting to have feelings for someone else.
Ross: Huh. Can I-- can I ask who?
Charlie: I think you know.
Ross: I think I know too, but I've been really wrong about this stuff in the past, so...
(Charlie kisses Ross, they stop for a moment and then he kisses her back)
Ross: I'm sorry, we, uh, we can't.
Charlie: All right, all right.
Ross: I mean, you just went out with my best friend, you know? And I just think it'd be a really, really bad idea. (pause) Or-or not! (they kiss passionately)
(Joey walks in and sees Ross and Charlie kissing. He gives a faint, rueful smile, then he seems to realize something and suddenly he heads back to Rachel's room. He knocks on her door and she opens)
Rachel: What?
(Joey says nothing, but enters the room and kisses her passionately.)
Rachel: Oh.
(They continue their passionate kiss. Joey closes the door to the camera.)